Oops, I Did It Again…

The past two weeks have been insane.  I’ve had an excessive amount of job deadlines, schedule changes, and transitions.  I am changing jobs.  I am now unemployed and am starting a new (and exciting) part-time career this Fall.  My children were ending school as well and there was just a lot of prep work done for this summer.

I tried very hard to live in the present and not allow myself to be overwhelmed or stressed.  I was running lists and lists of escapes in my head: wine, a joint, Manny (former affair partner), go comment crazy on Reddit, etc…  I managed to do without them.  It all worked very well…until the very last day of work.  I finally crossed that finish line, exhausted.  But do you know the first thing I did when I got home?  I contacted my ex-boyfriend, Fredek (not real name).

Ugh, yep.  He was one of those escapes I was thinking of during the past two weeks and the reasoning was, ‘well I’ve been thinking of him, might as well contact him.’  He was my very first boyfriend and virginity-taker.  We’ve kept in touch sporadically (and platonically) over the past year.

So we Skyped and he acted on me like a drug.  This time was different from our past communications because it was not so platonic.  There was a lot of indirect sexual tension.  I was HIGH (objective achieved, right?).  I felt like teenager again.

Well with every high, there is a low and today, I am low.  I am having a difficult time staying present because my mind wanders off to reminisce about our past relationship.

As I reflect deeper on my actions, without shaming myself, I realize that I have a deep fear of entering the unknown.  My whole life is dramatically changing.  When I have fears, I want to run away (escape).

I have no interest in starting up an affair with Fredek.  Had this happened 3-4 years ago, I probably would.  I didn’t have the recovery tools I have today.  This was purely my fear of change and who I am becoming.  Now that I am not working, I have an abundance of free time to surrender to my feelings and allow for intense change.

I want to learn how to relinquish those fears and live fully in the present.  I don’t want to spend the summer thinking about another man, that’s bullshit.    I need to experience me, alone, and allow myself to feel all my feelings, even the painful ones.  That is a priority this summer. Sigh.

Oh, I am doing a 30 day no-contact with Fredek just to give myself some time to come down from the attachment to him and reflect.

Thank you for listening.

~Birdie

Took a Toke

Found some mari crumbs on the bottom of my stash container and took one toke.  Since I haven’t smoked in a couple of months, that was sufficient to put me in a deeply relaxed state.  I noticed that soon after that toke, I had the urge to want to make phone calls and talk to friends, call Manny (the former other man and drug dealer) and tell him I need to buy some more mari, watch TV, get on my computer, do something.  But nah, I thought, that is just a way for me to get even more high. Just enjoy where you are.  So I walked around my house a bit and then took my kids outside to play.  That was the better choice.  I can’t help but contemplate buying more of this.  There’s nothing particularly dramatic or chaotic going on in my  life right now, so I felt I wanted to know how it felt to smoke it while I was less codependent than ever.  The issue that comes to light is the one where I cannot separate Manny from the Mari.  They go hand-in-hand.  I would love to buy some more from him, but that would mean a platonic business transaction (ain’t happening because that’s suppressing emotions).  The other option is to refrain from buying more leaf in order to avoid him and buy myself more time to grieve the loss of the relationship with him.  The latter statement is it.   I’ll be enjoying this high and continue taking life day by day.  Toodles.

~Birdie

UPDATE 4 Hours Later: Smoking weed sucks because coming down from the high sucks.  Now I remember why I chased it…because I came down.  I’m better off sober, just want this to wear off.

Try the 30-Day No Contact Rule

There are times when I have difficulty making a decision.   As a result, my anxiety rises which makes it more difficult to make a decision.  Example decisions like: should I contact my -ex?  Should I tell my mother my feelings about our relationship?  I’ve been sober for x months, is it okay for me to smoke that joint? When I feel like punching my head because I cannot make a decision, I implement the 30-day no contact rule.

The 30-day no contact rule was originally designed for people who end a toxic relationship and want to get their e-x back.  It’s supposed to be a time of growth and reflection outside of the relationship before making the decision to get back into the relationship.  At the end of the 30 days people either choose to pursue the ex- or move on.

I initially used the 30-day no contact rule the first time I wanted to step back from my affair with Manny.  It was very helpful because I became aware of my dysfunctional patterns.  For example, I realized I wanted to call him every time my husband and I had a fight.   I’ve used the 30-day no contact rule many times over the past year to distance myself from Manny and have used many variations, for example, 90 days of no-contact.

What I realized is that the 30-day no contact rule is similar to the concept of letting go.  When I am trying to make a huge decision and cannot come up with an immediate solution – I circle a date on my calendar 30 days from now, I let it go and don’t pressure myself to think of a solution until then.  Sometimes the answer comes to me before the 30 days is up, sometimes it doesn’t and I extend it another 30 days.

The best part about the 30-day no contact rule is it relieves my anxiety and obsessive behavior.  Anxiety and obsession destroy my body and mind.  I feel cortisol running through me and I disassociate from the present.  As soon as I decide to let a decision go and revisit it in 30 days, immediate calm washes over me.

Describe a situation you feel the 30-day no contact rule may work.  Please correspond with me below!

DONE with That Old Toxic Affair

The circle has been completed.

I’ve finally decided to cut the cord of attachment I have to my former love affair.  I cut physical ties a long time ago but it took me a while to make sense of everything in my head and cut the emotional ties.  It’s silly to think that I’ve done all of this recovery work, all of this spiritual awakening to only come to this realization now.  But this is what happened and this was the right timing.  I recently reached out to him in order to tell him everything that I had learned on my spiritual journey.  I hoped that he would listen, somehow be amazed and then he would accept me.  Instead, what happened is that I realized the only reason I am reaching out to him is to check my worthiness.  The reason why I was with him in the first place was because I felt unworthy and my vicious codependency wanted validation from him that I was worthy.  Codependents want validation from others instead of seeking it from within.

This most recent encounter was miserably similar to the way I felt when I was actually in the physical toxic relationship with him.  That same day, I was reading “Manifest Your Destiny” by Wayne Dyer and a passage about cutting ties to old wounds was discussed.  It had everything to do with me.  I learned I was revisiting the old me, the hopelessly codependent me, I was trying to validate that old me through him.  I was reminded…he was a master teacher disguised as a manipulative, poor communicating, addictive human that pushed my inner buttons so badly that I finally decided that I was going to surrender everything I knew about life and let God lead me.  I will not be revisiting that experience.  Duh…I will not be revisiting that.

The next day, Winter told me that she didn’t think she was smart.  I felt very sad.  I cried. I concluded that I spent all of this energy all those years obsessing about a relationship outside of my home and neglected to spend it within and with my children.  My child’s self-esteem was just as low as mine.  I’ve been awakened once again.  I’m done with my ties to the old me, to the ties of the toxicity.  I’m moving on.  I’m finding happiness through myself and that will be the best thing for me AND my kids.

If I want to manifest my desires, I have to move on from these dysfunctional behaviors.  I’m so grateful that I can easily do this.  The hardest hardest part of my journey is over.  I never have to go to that place again if I choose.

Today, I am sensing relief.  Thank you God for guiding me to feel worthy.  I no longer feel like I want to die and that my life is not worth living on this Earth.  Thank you for helping me understand that my worth does not come from others and that it comes from within.  Thank you for bringing me all of the messages and signs I needed to connect the dots and cut ties with the toxicity for good.  With your guidance, I am looking forward to self-care and care of the relationships I have at home.

~Birdie

It’s High Time to Break Free

I smoked my very last bit of marijuana.

For the past several months, I’ve been aware my supply would end and I would have to make an important decision about whether to continue using or not.

On one hand, marijuana is extremely relaxing, I am inspired creatively, pain and anxiety melt off my face, it smells yummy, I feel peace, etc.

On the other hand, I am not living in the moment, I escape my anxiety, I don’t feel my feelings, I cannot operate heavy machinery, etc.

For most of my adult life, I thought I was worthless…and my thoughts created that reality for me.  In 2012, I was seeing a therapist and psychiatrist.  I was taking anti-anxiety medication and my therapist thought I had Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.  I was finishing graduate school when I met this free-spirited musician guy, *Manny, in one of my courses.  He was married too.  We had so much sexual energy that we quickly became entangled in a toxic sexual relationship that lasted on and off for 2+ years.  I was already pot-friendly and it was revealed that he was a dealer.  We smoked every time we met.  I became so obsessed with him and his lifestyle, that I mimicked his daily usage.  Marijuana helped life become bearable.

I ended the sexual relationship over a year ago but continued to use daily in order to deal with life and repressed and current feelings (supply bought from Manny).  In summer of 2014, I expressed a desire to reduce my smoking because the habit was becoming obvious to Summer and Winter.  Therefore, I started smoking once a week.  It became my end-of-the-week reward.

Around New Year’s (2015), I surrendered to the idea that I would soon be out of another supply of marijuana and made no effort toward acquiring more.  I had to surrender that I wouldn’t see Manny as well.

My plan was to trust my Higher Power.  I put my faith into this plan and then I let it go.

Smoking marijuana was the safest and most enjoyable way for me to escape my reality and I am humbled for it’s safety and healing.   However, I’m ready to expand my consciousness and perspective through a sober mind rather than through the marijuana plant.  I trust God to help end my story with Mary Jane and introduce new and unknown highs of my incredible spiritual journey.

Currently, I am not experiencing withdrawal symptoms.  I am grateful to have a healthy body and mind.  I have not been triggered into wanting to smoke pot as of yet.  I am aware that this may happen and am prepared to feel the feelings that accompany that trigger.

I thank the Universe, God, Source Energy for teaching me about codependency recovery for the past 2+ years.  I’m equipped with a healthier toolbox of coping strategies (and a joint ain’t included).  I can create the peace, relaxation, and happiness that I desire in my life with a sober mind and body.

Thank you for listening.

~Birdie

 *Not his real name.

Comments and love welcome below.