The past two weeks have been insane. I’ve had an excessive amount of job deadlines, schedule changes, and transitions. I am changing jobs. I am now unemployed and am starting a new (and exciting) part-time career this Fall. My children were ending school as well and there was just a lot of prep work done for this summer.
I tried very hard to live in the present and not allow myself to be overwhelmed or stressed. I was running lists and lists of escapes in my head: wine, a joint, Manny (former affair partner), go comment crazy on Reddit, etc… I managed to do without them. It all worked very well…until the very last day of work. I finally crossed that finish line, exhausted. But do you know the first thing I did when I got home? I contacted my ex-boyfriend, Fredek (not real name).
Ugh, yep. He was one of those escapes I was thinking of during the past two weeks and the reasoning was, ‘well I’ve been thinking of him, might as well contact him.’ He was my very first boyfriend and virginity-taker. We’ve kept in touch sporadically (and platonically) over the past year.
So we Skyped and he acted on me like a drug. This time was different from our past communications because it was not so platonic. There was a lot of indirect sexual tension. I was HIGH (objective achieved, right?). I felt like teenager again.
Well with every high, there is a low and today, I am low. I am having a difficult time staying present because my mind wanders off to reminisce about our past relationship.
As I reflect deeper on my actions, without shaming myself, I realize that I have a deep fear of entering the unknown. My whole life is dramatically changing. When I have fears, I want to run away (escape).
I have no interest in starting up an affair with Fredek. Had this happened 3-4 years ago, I probably would. I didn’t have the recovery tools I have today. This was purely my fear of change and who I am becoming. Now that I am not working, I have an abundance of free time to surrender to my feelings and allow for intense change.
I want to learn how to relinquish those fears and live fully in the present. I don’t want to spend the summer thinking about another man, that’s bullshit. I need to experience me, alone, and allow myself to feel all my feelings, even the painful ones. That is a priority this summer. Sigh.
Oh, I am doing a 30 day no-contact with Fredek just to give myself some time to come down from the attachment to him and reflect.
Thank you for listening.
~Birdie
Journal of a Recovering Codependent 
I was ecstatic to read that you are taking time for yourself this summer. Setting hard-boundaries like a “no-contact” rule has definitely helped me in the past. Enjoy yourself!!! Looking forward to the lessons you will have to share.
Aw thanks. I am trying to enjoy myself, I’m so conditioned to create chaos when things are going well. So I’m learning something new here! I hope to post something I’ve learned too.