Brand New Journey

Hello Fellow Bloggers and Readers,

It’s been a while since I last wrote.  I had a sudden inspiration to write here.

Today is the first day of Spring, and Spring represent rebirth.

The Winter has been extremely busy and I’ve been going through a lot of major life changes.

For example, I left the Husband.  Yes!  I did it and it was the best decision I made for  myself and the children.  I contacted a lawyer through an employer program for a free 30-minute phone consultation and he outlined a simple separation agreement.  I used my savings, my husband agreed to the agreement (after many negotiations and time), and I moved into my own cozy peaceful apartment.

I am in a new relationship with Marit, we live together.  The grass WAS greener on the other side.  I actually  have a PARTNER.  Marit is my teammate and we are in love.  We are both on a spiritual journey and it is quite beautiful. My kids LOVE her and they are okay with my sexuality.  Being in a same sex relationship is a lot easier than it was 10 years ago.

I am a better parent.  I am much more involved and active in my children’s development.  They are happier, they express their feelings, they have structure, they are pursuing their passions.  I am more involved in their education.  I find that a lot of the pain I have been releasing through crying involves the relationship I have with each of my children and my mother.  Something to do with parenting, I haven’t quite placed my finger one it.

I am spending more time with my friends and family.  I am doing more volunteer work without the fear of being judged and criticized by my introverted anti-social ex-.

I have started the transition to veganism.  Vegan food is the real soul food!  I am separating myself from negative energy fed through the animals that are exploited and slaughtered in the meat industry.

I still smoke weed occasionally but I no longer have access to a supply so I’ve been having longer and longer periods of sobriety.  And it feels amazing!

I’m on an amazing incredible journey by the grace of a Higher Power and the awareness of Oneness in this human experience.

Thank you for listening.

Birdie R.

Advertisements

Greetings, Fall! The Season of Letting Go & Going Inward

Now that the weather is noticeably changing – I’ve noticed a change taking place within.

This year, I feel more aligned to the purpose of the seasons.  I do what the plants do.  This summer, I basked in the sun and enjoyed myself.  Now in the fall, as the plants go inward and prepare for hibernation in the winter, so do I.

I feel more of an urge to reflect and make decisions on what to give (or not give) my energy too.

Here’s an example of such: I’ve decided to take action towards getting a separation from my husband.  The dysfunction of our relationship is on a boring repetitive dysfunctional cycle.  I don’t participate in the games anymore and as a result, his behaviors are humorously predictable.  I feel sad because of the loss of our relationship.  I also feel comfort that my Higher Power is guiding me on the perfect path.

I guess the straw that broke the camel’s back was his angry tirade about me apparently pushing a “one love” social agenda on our children, specifically teaching our children to be tolerant of a transgender child at their school.  By the way, there is non-reactionary and accepting attitude from my kids and the entire school community regarding this child.  No one cares except my husband and other assholes.  His explosion must be coming out of years of repressing his feelings because our kids have been going to school with this child for six years and this tirade was the first time I heard about it.

So, we are NOT aligned in our views of love and CLEARLY not aligned on the way we want to teach our children about acceptance of fellow humans.  That is a deal breaker.

His ego is currently impenetrable, rigid, and conditioned.  I wish him and his ego the best.  I am praying that we grow in our friendship so that we can be respectful and co-parent together.

I don’t specifically have a plan, but I am accomplishing little tasks here and there that let my Higher Power Know that I’m interested in the easiest shortcut possible to severing this relationship.

I have and am deeply reflecting on making these changes because it’s time and I am ready, rather than I am leaving Husband for another and/or Marit is rescuing me.

Regarding Marit, she and I are frequently relate and spend quality time together.  She is a wonderful person and we share a lot of common interests, especially in spirituality.  We even do this amazing thing where we communicate our feelings to each other!  I love her and she reflects the love back.  I’m confident she was brought into my life to awaken my consciousness on my marriage.  I’m grateful for my connection with her and her support and that’s all it is right now.

I have no expectations of the future with her and when I envision a future relationship with her, I’m aware it’s an unrealistic mind projection.  So, I’m staying present and accepting reality for what it is.  That brings me peace.

Thank you for listening.

Your thoughts are welcome in the comment section below.

~Birdie R.

Summer Reflections

Blogging is for reflecting.  And this summer has been an unforgettable experience.  Since I have reached the end point of my break and already transitioned into my new job position, I have the peace to reflect and blog about the lessons I’ve learned.  If Winter is the season to go inward, summer seems to be the season to go outward.

I’ve been visiting friends, family, spending time with my children, completing personal tasks, as well as tasks around my home.  I’ve really accomplished a lot and am very proud of myself.

Here’s what happened:

  • In one of my previous blog posts, I wrote about my rediscovering my sexual orientation in Richmond while visiting former college roommates.  I will not put a label on myself but I know what I’m not: heterosexual.
  • I took an acting class which was amazing. I also wrote about this in a previous blog post and it really helped me to relinquish fears about “being my free-spirited humorous self” around others.
  • During a vacation with my family, I spoke to my husband (in private) about possibly opening our relationship to allow me to explore with women.  This is huge because my marriage has been plagued by my infidelity with men and my desire to sexually explore with them.  And….he agreed!  He is okay with me kissing other women and is considering the possibility of me having sexual relations with them as well.  That would be awesome.  But as with any open relationship, communication is key and I am not the best communicator.  I will continue to work on this.
  • Within my acting class, which comprised a small group of 6 people, I met a woman who I was very attracted to.  Her name is Marit*.  I was attracted to her prior to going to Richmond.  We connected in the first class and frequently worked with each other throughout the course.  I felt was getting a gay vibe from her and indirectly fishing for information about her sexuality.  Initially, she was not forthcoming about it and so I began to believe that I was confusing the gay vibes I was getting came from her culture (she was born in a Scandinavian country).  It wasn’t until we started spending time together outside of the class, in a platonic context, that she revealed her sexuality and I revealed mine.  We are both in almost identical situations regarding our sexuality.  We both were with women (her 8 years ago, me 12 years ago) and then were not.  We both started questioning our sexuality this summer.  Coincidence that we met?  Nah, it’s synchronicity.  It was part of the beautiful Divine plan. So we’ve been communicating and seeing each other regularly.  I’ve been keeping my husband in the loop about my sexuality and how I am attracted to women although I haven’t been very forthcoming about my relationship wtih Marit.  He knows she is my friend but he doesn’t know that we are physically intimate (kissing and touching).
  • I had been frequently drinking alcohol this summer.  I was partying to the point where I was hungover the next day.  Not a good feeling.  I also had been drinking wine pretty regularly throughout the day.  I so decided to commit myself back to sobriety.  Sobriety is a priority for someone like me who tends toward an addictive personality.  Today is Day 19.  I feel great.
  • I saw Manny (former affair partner) one time.  I told him how I felt about our relationship and how confusing and addictive it was for me.  That I had a spiritual awakening and was very focused on my recovery.  We were able to have a great friendly conversation and agreed that we would work on our friendship and possibly hang out in a non-sexual context.  It was cathartic and I had no yearnings to see him again after that day.  I think the addiction to him has broken.
  • I feel as if my spirituality has fallen to the waist side this summer.  Ever since I finished reading the Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle, I’ve sort have been in party mode.  But that’s okay.  I just got Mr. Tolle’s new book “A New Earth” and am completely reinspired and continue my spiritual recovery work.  I’m keen to the fact that everything happens for a reason I am eternally grateful for my experiences this summer.  Let go and let God!

Thank you for listening.

Birdie R.

*fake name

Chasing the High

Two weekends ago, I visited a childhood friend, Josie, in New York City.  The weekend prior, I visited my friend, Jen, in Richmond, Virginia and some emotions regarding my sexuality resurfaced.  Those feelings just didn’t go away and it was weighing heavy on my mind as I traveled to NYC.  Luckily, Josie is a supportive friend and a great listener so she was patient while I verbally sorted my feelings for Jen aloud.

My experience in NYC was amazing.  I spent three days there.  Josie and I really know how to have a great time, just the two of us.  When I got back home, there were a few days were I was feeling a little low.  I realized that I was chasing the high I got in Richmond…except in NYC.  The first night that I arrived to NYC, Josie and I hit about four bars in Williamsburg, Brooklyn.

I don’t typically drink, but I drank in Richmond, and then I drank in NYC.  Of course, I was a “flirt,” as Josie calls me.  I danced and made out with one attractive guy at the club and then post-club, another attractive guy.  Obviously, this is an issue when I have an agreement with my partner to be faithful.  Honestly, It was so much fun but all I was doing was stimulating myself.  I was chasing a high to beat the last high.  The depths I will go to ‘not feel’ has no boundaries and I feel no shame or guilt…I’m well aware.

I just remember my travels to Richmond and feeling so peaceful.  I was excited about reading a biography I just picked up from the library.  Today, I can barely get through a chapter.  It doesn’t matter if the drug is weed, alcohol, kissing, seducing, sex, heroin, shoplifting, pick-pocketing, bungy-jumping, I am an addict and I will take it to escape painful emotions.

There is something very important and meaningful happening to me right now and I’m running from it.  What could it be?  I have a feeling that it has to do with my relationship with my husband.  Or, it could be something regarding my sexuality OR it could just be that I am avoiding what is happening to my marriage (it feels like the end).

In any case, I want to feel peace and joy again.  I have to stop drinking, smoking, basically chasing the high and get sober again.

I must learn this all-important lesson that is being placed on my path.  This is the perfect time, it’s summer and I ain’t go no job.  I need to invest that time back into myself and find out more about who I am and what’s going on.  There are a lot of question marks right now, and that’s okay.  I just need to stop running from it.  Maybe it’s time to attend a CoDa meeting.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Thank you for listening.

~Birdie R.

Thank You for the Blog Noms

I was recently nominated for some awards and challenges by fellow bloggers.  When I envisioned myself completing the tasks of these blog nominations, I realized that it was not currently a priority or requirement among the other priorities and requirements in my life situation.   At the height of my codependency, I would of done these tasks right away as not to hurt feelings or just to “follow the rules.”  But as a recovering codependent, I am learning how to take care of myself and exercising my right to say “no.”  This is not personal or negative.

Thank you to Love, Always Freedom and Ms. Ethel Duck for their award and challenge nominations over the past couple of weeks.  I feel supported and accepted by you as I blog about my journey.  I love following you and commenting on your blogs. It’s nice to have inspiration from people who are so dedicated to their recovery from codependency.

Thank you for listening.

~Birdie

Reflections: About to Get Lost & Explore

There’s a Yiddish proverb: Man plans and God laughs.  You can set an intention or hold an expectation for an experience but come out of it learning an unimaginable lesson.

This weekend, I traveled to Richmond, Virginia, which is the capital of Virginia and one of the oldest towns in the USA.  The first thing I noticed was the Federal and Washingtonian style of the town.  The energy is hip and unique and the businesses reflect that attitude.  There is a very large university (Virginia Commonweath U) in the middle of the city so it feels cerebral and young.  There are a ton of specialty shops and small businesses which was very pleasing as I am anti-corporate kind of chick.  At one day at sunset, we went on a long walk in and around Belle Isle at the James River.  It was stunning to say the least.

qpv4kzo2ytsvvq37

My friend, Jen*, picked me up and we were just thrilled to see each other.  She’s attractive, intelligent, and has a little bit of male energy which I’ve been drawn to since the first day I met her.

The back story on our relationship starts Freshman year of university (not VCU).  We lived on the same dormitory floor in thematic housing and shared a majority of the same courses.  The year before (my senior year of high school) I was in my first gay romantic relationship with another student.  At the time, I was very curious about this part of my sexuality and I had ‘gaydar,’ I could feel gay energy in other girls.  When I arrived to university I met Jen on my dorm floor and I could immediately sense her male energy and suspected she was gay.  Jen had no idea what I was talking about.

Jen tells me that one of the first things we did was go to my dorm room and I encouraged (more forced) her take a random online “Are You Gay?” quiz.  She did not have any experience with women at the time and didn’t think about being gay, but nonetheless, I ignited a curiosity in her.  We became very good friends.  For our junior year, we decided to live together in an apartment off campus with another girl, Ann, who also lived on the same dorm floor in Freshman year and who happened to date both sexes.

When we moved in, I was shocked to discover Jen was in a serious relationship with a guy.  I was definitely holding an expectation that Jen and I would spend more time together exploring our sexuality and being close friends.  I didn’t have any romantic expectations but I knew that we had some sexual tension.  I felt hurt when she became consumed in this relationship and did not have energy to spend on ours.  She didn’t seem happy.  There were many times when I wanted to pull her aside and say “aren’t you discovering that you are gay? Why are you in this relationship?” But I was very wise to stay out of it and allow her to take her own journey.  Nonetheless, I continued to love her dearly.

During the time period we lived together, I became very depressed and ended up moving out of our apartment rental lease early to move in with my boyfriend (now husband).   Jen and I sort of lost touch, especially after I got married and had children.  I did find out that after 3 years, she broke off the relationship with the man, and started to date women.  By that time, I had not longer considered myself gay because I had been in a couple of heterosexual relationships since Freshman year.  I chalked my homosexual vibes off as an “experimental phase.”

A couple of years ago, when I started codependency recovery, I started working on surrounding myself with people that loved me – a network of support.  Jen was one of the people that wholly accepted me for who I was.  I felt I could be myself with her and that was a rare friendship for me.  I started communication with her again and made an effort to maintain the relationship.  We agreed to see each other last summer when my family and I vacationed in Virginia.  It had been 11 years since I saw her and we sat in a restaurant and spoke for hours.  The energy between us was pure love.  I told her how dysfunctional my life had been and how I was JUST learning how to be healthy and recover.  She told me about her life, her girlfriends and how she was interested in metaphysics (this was the inspiration that got me into metaphysics as well).  There was an ember of sexual tension still there but we did not bring it up. We just gave each other a lot of love and went off on our ways.

The following year, we talked on the phone and texted here and there.  A few months ago, I received some texts from Jen and she wrote: (1) that I was the first girl she ever fell in love with and (2) that she wondered what it would be like to make love to me.  I responded with gratefulness and expressed the same curiosity towards her.  But I hadn’t thought about women in that kind of way for so long.  It kind of reignited an excitement in me but I shooed the feeling away. We sort of swept it under the rug after that because we were both in relationships.

For this summer we planned I would visit her and her live-in girlfriend, Kay, in Richmond for the weekend. I was looking forward to it and sort of boxed and labeled it the way I wrote in my original post About to Get Lost & Explore.  I was just excited to see her and Ann was going to come up for a few hours as well.  I labeled it: college roommate reunion. That’s what I told everyone.

I initially spent a lot time with Jen and Kay which was very pleasant.  They are an attractive couple and Kay is clearly ‘in love’ with Jen.  Being so close to Jen, I know about the issues within the relationship and I feel I came at an awkward transition time for them.  Nonetheless, the conversations seamlessly flowed and we had a grand time.

On the full day that I stayed, I started building anxiety.  I rarely drink alcohol, but on this particular day, I had been drinking since the mimosas at brunch to the beer at midnight with some tequila in between.  I definitely wanted to speak to Jen about the revealing texts but was waiting for the right time.  The time came when Kay had to go to work for for a few hours.  It was initially very uncomfortable to bring it up because I was out of my home (my comfort zone) and in their territory, but I did.  I was relieved that she was very open to communicating with me about it.  We acknowledged the sexual tension and romantic curiosity that we’ve always had for each other, the reasons for the distance between us the time we moved in together, our current relationships, etc, etc.  Everything was laid out on the table.  It was cathartic.

Later, we reunited with Kay and headed out for dinner and then went to a gay bar.  I hadn’t been a gay bar for 10+ years.  There was one thing I tried to convince myself of before I arrived in Richmond: that I was going to behave in a platonic way towards other people, that I was in a relationship that was strained from my infidelities (among many other things) and could not afford to bring out my sexy hat.  Well, remember that Yiddish proverb?  I was on the dance floor and an attractive hot girl was dancing next to me.  Next thing you know, we are dancing together the entire night and playing tongue hockey.  It was so natural and unforced.  These emotions that I haven’t felt from over a decade (when I was in my gay romantic relationships) were flooding out of the dark hole they had been hiding in.

At the end of the night, on our way back home, Jen (who was very intoxicated; as I) began expressing her feelings of envy over my connection with other women.  She was happy for me, she just wanted it to be her.  All inhibition was gone.  Kay was very angry because Jen was so intoxicated and resisting her need for attachment at the club, Jen was ignited from watching me interact with other women, and I was processing all those dormant feelings that came into the light.  So Kay went to bed and Jen and I stayed up to hydrate and wait for sobriety.  In a moment of eye contact, we naturally began to physically act out our feelings for each other…kissing sporadically throughout the night.  It eventually stopped because we were both feeling guilty.

The next (really, the same) morning, we had a chance to talk alone again and decided that we enjoyed each other and we would continue our friendship since we were in relationships.  However, we played the “what if we were both single” game.  The conversation made me realize that the gay part of me was never an “experimental phase” and that it has always just been a part of me.  I forgot the way I feel when I’m with women.  I truly feel joy.  I don’t like to define my sexuality – I feel like sexuality is a fingerprint and unique for every human so I choose not to say what my orientation is.  I just know that I will never again restrict myself to to one gender.  It’s been uncomfortable to think about it in the past but I am ready to face the fears I have about my own sexuality.  This trip triggered it.

If you have been following me, then you know that dysfunction is rampant in the sex and love categories of my life.  As I continue to discover myself and seek this spiritual path, I must open myself up to the truth no matter how uncomfortable I feel or how uncomfortable  other people feel about it.  This weekend’s lesson involved finding a huge missing piece to my sexuality puzzle.  I’m so grateful and will be thinking about it as I continue my journey.

Thank you for listening.

~Birdie

*All names changed.

About to Get Lost and Explore

Happy Summer!  I am about to leave for my first round of traveling.  No kids, no husband, ALL BY MYSELF!  First stop is Virginia to visit my two ol’ college roomies.  One, I haven’t seen in a year, the other I haven’t seen in 12 years.  Right now, I’m preparing for the unknown journey ahead.  This is my opportunity to implement all of my recovery tools and focus on taking care of myself.  I live in the present and go with the flow.  Godspeed!